I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
