dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i jhust puked up my retainher.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
