I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
