I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
