so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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