sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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