don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
