he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
