even my farts smell like vagina
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
