I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just forgot I was standing up.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
