i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
