I think i sorta joined a cult last night
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
