seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
