i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
