At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
