Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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