why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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