Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
