he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Randomize
