people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
