dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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