On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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