smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm having to shit out rocks
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