I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
