How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Be still, my beating vagina.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
