Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
