Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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