I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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