I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
