I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
