God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
