She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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