I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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