My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
