tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize