everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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