she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize