Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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