I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
