White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
