Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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