I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
