Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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