Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
