awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
drinking out of a sandbucket again
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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