these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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