I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
