Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize