are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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