Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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