There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Randomize
