Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
