Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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