I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
