sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
