i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
