Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
