Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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