For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
