so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
