Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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